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FIFA Rule Changes Imminent
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Use of hands in play ok
ZURICH, Switzerland - The world soccer organization F.I.F.A. (Fédération Internationale de Football Association) is planning to announce major rules changes, including the legalization of the limited use of hands, according to F.I.F.A. President Joseph Blatter.
Blatter, speaking form F.I.F.A. House in Zurich Switzerland outlined proposed plans to allow players on the field to grab the ball with their hands, pass it hand-to-hand to other players and even advance it upfield as long as they bounced it along the ground.
"Our hope is to add a little more offense to the game," explained Blatter. "We understand that there is limited appeal in games ending with no score or only one goal. With this rule change we expect offense to increase dramatically."
Anonymous insiders, however, report that a concern exists within the F.I.F.A. ranks that this would allow too much scoring. According to one official, if this rule change brings too much scoring then F.I.F.A. is prepared to make other changes. Most notably, reducing the size and shape of the net to circular and about twice the circumference of the ball and possibly even raising it horizontally above the field about ten feet.
Some soccer traditionalists are flummoxed by these rule changes maintaining that the inability to use ones hands is "pretty much the defining characteristic of the game, isn't it?" as was put by Derek Jaspers of the English Premier Football Association. "What next? More points for scoring from further away?"
Blatter dismisses these criticisms, "Football [soccer] is whatever we say it is, we are F.I.F.A.!"
The rule changes are set to go partially into affect sometime over the summer. It will be tested in several "friendly" matches at that time. It is expected to be fully in place in time for the World Cup competition in 2002, to take place jointly in Japan and South Korea.
"We are very excited that these rule changes will bring the game into the new millennium and attract a whole new generation of fans."
©2000 Copyright David Oliver. All Rights Reserved.
DISCLAIMER: These stories are not true. No really. It's all just a joke, you know for fun.
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