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DEA Investigates Teams "On the Bubble"
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WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Drug Enforcement Agency announced today that as many as a dozen college basketball programs are being investigated for illicit drug use. Apparently the DEA has evidence of a new drug called the Bubble that is infiltrating throughout marginal college basketball programs.
"At this time we are not overly familiar with this new narcotic except to say that it has the ability to give those who use it a false sense of accomplishment and purpose," noted Special Agent Marion Leonides. "It seems to increase adrenaline flow and a heightened sense of euphoria for no apparent reason. And then when they come off the Bubble they suffer extreme depression, a situation known among users known as 'the Bubble bursting'."
Surprisingly, it took the national media to alert the authorities of this new force. Apparently, there has been a recent upsurge in reporting about teams on the Bubble in the news. The situation caught the DEA completely off guard, as they had never heard of this drug before seeing it in the papers.
"The Bubble came in under our radar since it seems to be isolated within the extremely cloistered world of college basketball," noted Leonides. Leonides even admitted that the agency has yet to even get a sample of the drug, going for now only on rumor and innuendo.
In fact, it is precisely this fact that led the DEA to take the unusual measure of releasing facts of their investigation to the media. "It is hoped that if we bring this situation to light we can gain some information to help us in our investigation."
Although Agent Leonides would not say which teams are under investigation, it is believed that among those teams believed to be on the bubble are Notre Dame, Wisconsin, North Carolina, Vanderbilt, and California.
The NCAA has no comment at this time except to say they would cooperate fully with the DEA and that they would make a formal announcement about the teams on the Bubble on Sunday, March 12.
©2000 Copyright David Oliver
DISCLAIMER: These stories are not true. No really. It's all just a joke, you know for fun.
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