LINCOLN, NE - Brian Taylor would not shut up, relating his 'expertise' on just about anything that came on the TV at the local bar sports bar, O'Hallahan's. Apparently, several pitchers of Bass Ale impaired Taylor's ability to know when to freaking shut-the-hell up, especially about subjects he obviously knew nothing about.
"When he started going off about the America's Cup, I had just about had it," remarked friend Alan Smithee. "I can pretty confidently state that the closest Brian has ever gotten to a sailboat is reading was a pair of topsiders he once owned. But there he was talking about Italy this and New Zealand that. And, no, the chicks were not impressed at all."
One unnamed chick confirmed this stating, "I was not impressed at all."
Other witnesses claim that it became especially annoying when ESPN Sportscenter, a nightly recap of all the days sports activity, came on. Apparently no matter what they were talking about on the show, whether it be spring training baseball or college basketball he just had to let everyone know his damn opinion. He even had an opinion about the Arena Football League, which no one gave a good goddamn about.
Tensions reached a high point when Taylor started discussing several hockey topics he obviously knew nothing about with an unnamed woman at the bar.
"Oh geez, he almost got us killed," was how Smithee remembered it. According to Smithee, Taylor took offense when the woman questioned Taylor's actual knowledge of the sport.
"It was pretty bad. Just questioning him at all was trouble, but a woman? Forget it, he could not handle that," noted Smithee. The fact that the woman was with several guy friends was probably the only thing that kept the incident from escalating further.
"Look there is probably two things that I would consider Taylor's opinion valuable, men's tennis and basketball. But he gets a few brews in him and he just goes on and on about every freaking thing, baseball, women's soccer, swimming, you name it. Next time he's the designated driver.
Taylor defended his actions saying, "Oh man, was I ever plastered."
And according Legal scholar Michael Devlin Taylor, "Unfortunately, our forefathers made no provision to shut up drunken idiots. The repeal of Prohibition coupled with his First Amendment right to free speech almost certainly means they will have to listen to his moronic opinions again."
©2000 Copyright David Oliver
DISCLAIMER: These stories are not true. No really. It's all just a joke, you know for fun.
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