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Belfour Signs Shocking New Billion-Dollar Contract
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DALLAS, TX - It was announced in a press conference this week that Dallas Stars goalie Ed Belfour has signed the first billion-dollar contract in professional sports. The contract terms are over three years at 250 million per year and a 250 million-dollar signing bonus.
This last year has been a real roller coaster ride for Belfour who helped lead the Stars to his and the teams first Stanley Cup championship last year. Earlier this month an inebriated Belfour had a brief run-in with the Dallas Police after he attacked a hotel security guard and then resisted arrest. The police report claimed Belfour even offered bribes to the police if they would let him go.
Despite helping the Stars to a championship and again in contention this season, this contract is seen as extremely excessive by other General Managers.
"Well this is just going to make it difficult to sign anyone else," noted Colorado Avalanche General Manager Peirre Lacroix.
It is uncertain how it came to pass that Stars General Manager Bob Gainey offered Belfour a billion dollars, although there is speculation it was made after the two of them were on an all night drinking binge. Belfour reportedly was the first to bring up the billion-dollar figure.
Belfour was obviously pleased with the new contract, noting that it would now allow him to live where he belonged, outside the reach of the long arm of the law. "I am hopeful that this quantity of money will allow me to buy my way into and out of almost any drunken mess I get myself into."
Gainey expressed a similar sentiment in justifying the contract, "Eddie is just too important to this team for us to lose him to any kind of inebriated misunderstanding with law enforcement officials. We felt the best thing for the team and Eddie at this point was to really condone and promote his all-night drunkfests."
At the same press conference the Stars announced they were raising ticket prices for next season an average of 9,000%.
©2000 Copyright David Oliver
DISCLAIMER: These stories are not true. No really. It's all just a joke, you know for fun.
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