KENOSHA, WI -In a rare showing of solidarity, Major League Baseball (MLB), the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), and the Society for the Preservation and Encouragement of Barber Shop Quartet Singing in America (SPEBSQSA), united to bring and end to the playing of this time-honored favorite during the traditional seventh inning stretch.
The ruling came down came down from MLB Commissioner Bud Selig's office, a few hours after The Supreme Court ruled in favor of California's "Three Strikes," law. "The high court forced our hand," said Selig. "It's in the best interest of the game," he added.
To baseball insiders, the ban came as no surprise. For years, SPEBSQSA had been protesting the use of the song as "Too rangy, lacking a detectable beat, and being difficult to harmonize." "We're baseball fans," said spokesperson Earl Moon, "but if those jackasses think we're gonna sing that song in Eb, in public, WITH a key-change, they've got another thing coming." An agitated Moon added, "Hell, half the people in the stands think singing-on-key is a Chinese laundry."
Frito-Lay, maker of the "Peanuts and Cracker Jack," could not be reached for comment. The real blow came when California's "Three Strikes," law was upheld. The ACLU claimed that the "jeering," had caused otherwise innocent, two-time, violent offenders to succumb to an "irresistible urge," to commit a third felony when bombarded with, "One, two, three strikes yer out!" by the unwitting crowd. When it was pointed out that these victims were in the parking lot breaking into cars, and out of earshot of the lyrics, the ACLU dismissed it as, "Clouding the issue with facts."
Dodger organist, Nancy Bea Hefley commented, "There are lyrics to that song?"
Currently under consideration as a replacement for the banned song, are "Jail House Rock," "Working on the Chain Gang," "I Shot the Sherriff," and "I Fought the Law and the Law Won."
©2000 Copyright Patrick Olguin. Reprinted with permission.
DISCLAIMER: These stories are not true. No really. It's all just a joke, you know for fun.
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