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Commentary
It's Time For More Cyborgs
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Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig may think that there is no problem with the large amount of Home Runs being hit this year. But the evidence that it is damaging the game is out there. The story of fan apathy in this issue is just one example.
Although there are several reasons that have led to this situation, we do not believe that a drastic change in the rules is necessary, as some are calling for.
Instead we think that Major League Baseball should just put into more wide use their stockpile of ultra accurate pitching cyborgs. We feel that the MLBs experiment with a few of these machines, Pedro Martinez and Randy Johnson to name a couple, has proven highly successful. It is now time to expand this pilot program out to the entire league.
The cyborgs have shown that their ability to use complex stochastic processing and telescopic alpha pinpoint accuracy can effectively level the pitching playing field against such things as the shrinking strike zone and the shrinking size of ballparks.
Now we don't feel that all pitching needs to be cyborg pitching. But it is quite evident that the pitching quality is at an all-time low and the cyborgs are needed to raise that level back to pre-expansion days.
We don't agree with those who feel that having artificial pitching machines is akin to domes and artificial turf. We don't know why, we simply just do not agree with them.
And we also don't feel that cyborg pitching is just the first step toward cyborg domination of the human race, where malevolent anthropomorphic robotic overlords will enslave us all. We think that is a little dramatic and simply a scare tactic by the anti-cyborg crowd.
No, we think it is time for the cyborgs to take their place on the pitching mound before too many home runs ruin the game of baseball.
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Other Stories From This Issue
©2000 Copyright David Oliver
DISCLAIMER: These stories are not true. No really. It's all just a joke, you know for fun.
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