|
Knicks-Heat Declared Illegal by United Nations
|
NEW YORK, NY - A United Nations report on human rights declared the NBA playoff series between the New York Knicks and the Miami Heat to be a "clear human rights violation". The UN report declared the series as pure torture and declared it an illegal action on the part of the NBA, breaking standing international laws on human rights.
"The playoff series exposes innocent civilians to painful sensory experiences of the eyes and ears," explained the twenty-three page report. "In advanced and civilized society such as the US we find it inconceivable that anyone, whether they are guilty of a crime or not, would be exposed to what can only be described as brutally bad basketball."
The NBA, while maintaining that they are not under the UN jurisdiction, argue that the series is not a violation of human rights as no one is forced to watch the games.
"If the series is too painful an experience for someone they are more then free to leave and watch something else," declared NBA Commissioner David Stern.
The UN report however scoffs at the notion that fans are in any sense free to not watch the games. "The evidence is overwhelming that this cannot be the case. If it were then why don't we see just that happening. Fear of reprisal from the NBA, in the workplace or socially, provide unneeded pressure for someone to watch the game."
"This psychological torture is just an additional aspect of the Knicks' and Heats' reign of terror."
City University of New York History Professor, Miller Appleton, while agreeing with much of the UN's report, cautioned that, "while clearly the wide spread pain and suffering that is being caused by this playoff series is of shocking and disgusting proportions, it is still too early to put Pat Riley alongside such notorious figures as Pol Pot and Idi Amin."
The report described in detail an especially gruesome game between the two in which the two teams turned the ball over, clanked shots noisily off the rims and threw fundamentals out the window. Tha game, an extremely torturous affair won by the Knicks 77-76, left millions of "fans" scarred for life.
|
Other Stories From This Issue
©2000 Copyright David Oliver
DISCLAIMER: These stories are not true. No really. It's all just a joke, you know for fun.
|
|
Support Left Field Sports by visiting our affiliates:
|
|
|
Sports Scores:
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
