|
Snyder Offers League Buttload of Cash for Championship
|
WASHINGTON, DC - The NFL's newest megalomaniac, Washington Redskin owner Daniel Snyder has informed the NFL that he wishes to buy outright the NFL championship for the 2000-2001 season for a buttload of cash. In a complicated deal Snyder has offered a package totaling over one hundred million dollars to the league and to the various teams in the league. In return the Washington Redskins would be declared champions for this season and would be awarded the Lombardi Trophy.
Snyder had previously attempted a traditional indirect, albeit aggressive method of buying a championship when he signed several prominent high-priced free agents in the off-season, including Bruce Smith, Deion Sanders, and Jeff George. Unfortunately for Snyder this attempt to buy the championship has not turned as promising as hoped. Snyder realized the need for a contingency plan after his high-priced Redskins were humiliated on Monday Night by the Dallas Cowboys.
"When I first started signing free agents I was offended that folks said I was buying a Championship," explained Snyder. "But then I figured well if folks think I am going to buy a Championship I might as well freaking do it the right way."
In a press release Snyder outlined a plan that he claimed would maintain the league's integrity and also allow the Redskins to buy their NFL championship. Under the plan, should the Redskins not win the Super Bowl in January then the team that did win would get thirty-five million dollars, the other twenty-nine teams would receive two million each. Regardless of who wins the Super Bowl the league itself would receive fifteen million dollars.
"I made them an offer they can't refuse," remarked Snyder.
The NFL released a statement saying that the Championship was not for sale, but that a "buttload" of money could certainly change their minds. "But we may differ on what defines a 'buttload'," said the statement from the league offices.
Snyder was quick to counter that this was of course just an initial offer and was open to negotiation, "I am glad the league is at least being open-minded. I see this as a win-win situation for all involved, I get my Super Bowl Championship and everybody else gets a buttload of cash."
|
Other Stories From This Issue:
©2000 Copyright David Oliver, All Rights Reserved
DISCLAIMER: These stories are not true. No really. It's all just a joke, you know for fun.
|
|
|
