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Jordan Retires From Retirement
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Former Chicago Bull Michael Jordan in a press conference this past week announced his retirement from retirement, assuring the press that this indeed would be his last announced retirement. Jordan then added "I have done more in the last few years of retirement than most men do in a lifetime
When asked of his future plans Jordan responded "Lounging, and maybe some loafing around." Jordan elaborated that he had never envisioned himself as a professional loafer and added that he also intended to keep his lounging to an amateur status.
"It's something that I have thought about for the past few years." Jordan explained. "I know it's something that my fans and I can do together, all my past endeavors have been singular in nature. I know that I can be a role model for future couch potatoes everywhere"
One reporter asked if Michael could be happy just being Michael. "I looked to God and I got down on my knees and I said 'God are you happy just being you' and he reassured me that he still had headlines in his future, so yeah, I'm cool with it."
When asked how this would effect his duties with the Washington Wizards Jordan explained, "Well I'm going to try loafing to the MCI Center and maybe lounging in the loges. I'm thinking that I will look good in a tee shirt with a beer belly. I know Fruit of the Loom could use my endorsement, and maybe
Anheiser Busch too."
Jordan was also questioned as to whether or not he felt he could be an effective loafer without a supporting cast. "Well, I see that Sir Charles is an available free agent lounge rat, and it's only a matter of time until I can talk Scottie Pippen into retirement."
Pippen, unavailable for comment issued a press release stating "I don't need Michael to be a good goof off, and I'll be damned if I play second fiddle to Barkley, that fat lazy moron.
In a follow up by phone Jordan added, "That's Scottie being Scottie. We'll talk. He loves me, he'll do whatever I say."
In this reporter's humble opinion, Jordan has his eyes on the prize, and may just go down in history as the greatest do nothing the world has ever known.
©2000 Copyright Eric Stuyvesant
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Other Stories From This Issue:
©2000 Copyright David Oliver, All Rights Reserved
DISCLAIMER: These stories are not true. No really. It's all just a joke, you know for fun.
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